The dawn is inevitable and so is the night.

There are colors left untasted, 

scents that have not been heard, 

and thoughts that have not been kissed.

Is it not a matter of perspective or must I labor to what end?

Vexed on this endeavor, I find little resolve.
'Tis a losing brawl this one-sided street has become.

Lead not the wanderer astray from things hoped for.

Home. Companions. Roots. Love..

And so the doors begin to close as the unceasing eyes still hungers.

Has the colors left my palates curious?
Will I never be moved by the smells that strike many a chord?

Or, perhaps, the musings of a little boy cannot handle


an acquaintance with romance.

Still.  

The page turns..

Take One

A repeating chorus of tears have been written somewhere on my body.

There is bliss in ignorance on one end.

And on the other, an unexplainable satisfaction in truth.

Satisfaction. Closure. Brokenness?

Surely, in order to build there must be some rubble here.

Yet my mind is troubled at the musing of wandering emotions.

It is costly.

The process of disappointment is only yonder. Forward.

Perhaps, the surgeon's knife is closer than I imagined.

Dare my heart venture into a territory unknown.

Come what may.

...I will go... ...Will I go... ...I will.... Eff. I don't know.

My heart is pressed hard... Ezekiel 24 speaks of how God is going to punish Jerusalem for her abominations and all of her sins. 24:14 speaks of God's heart involved in His judgment upon her: "...and I shall not pity, and I shall not be sorry..." Verses 15-27, the end of the chapter, the Lord God tells Ezekiel that He is going to "take from you [Ezekiel] the desire of your eyes with a blow", which we find in verse 18, is his wife. Now in verse 16 and 17, God tells him not to mourn for the dead and the sorts. Why!? Verse 24, "Thus, Ezekiel will be a sign to you." Venturing on further, I ask, "what is this sign?" I find that Ezekiel was to be a sign of how God will not be sorry or have pity upon Jerusalem when He judges as stated in verse 14. A SIGN!!!! ...

God is the Potter and He has every right to do as He pleases. Why is my heart so hard pressed within me? Because Ezekiel obeyed the next morning... Perhaps this is very difficult for me to understand why God does what He does in these peculiar ways. To tell His faithful servant to not mourn over the loss of his WIFE, so that, he would be a sign to Jerusalem of how God will not be sorry is like a bitter pill that needs to be swallowed...

It isn't a matter of whether or not what God commanded is good or bad, but rather the thought, or truth, if I may add, of what the role/office of a Prophet is. Isaiah was naked for 3 years to be a sign to the shame of Egypt and Cush. Jeremiah was rejected and greatly despised by his own people; and here, having read thus far, Ezekiel, also having done crazy things, is to be a sign also. The most mind-boggling of all was their immediate OBEDIENCE!

To the self-proclaiming prophets in our generation: Do you even know what a prophet is? Let alone who or what a prophet does?

I've actually met a prophet, a sincere, genuine and humble Man of God who indeed prophesied over me that God "calls me a prophet". He repeated this to me countless of times. As I live my life, I'm beginning to see how that is being manifested through my actions and even desires; however, the more I realize who and what a prophet is, it begins to terrorize my soul...

My self interrogation: Am I ready for it? Does our generation have men and women who are willing to take up the call? Can I deny such pleasures of the flesh completely? Will I obey the voice of the Lord though I may be rejected and despised among, not only strangers, but my fellow peers? Can/will I obey the will of God though it is to my great humiliation and shame? Am I taking lightly this calling that the Lord has called me to? Am I ready...? Am I able to be the faithful Man of God, pastor/prophet, the Lord wants me to be? For if I do take up such a high calling, and in so doing, inadequately teach the Word and the Will of God, I stir up a rebellion in my ignorance and, therefore, will be judged even severer. ...Will I even be able to not only recount Lamentations 3, but, in confession, believe the very words that are written...?

Indeed...my heart is heavy...

Through this interrogation, I realize just a little bit more that a "man can do NOTHING apart from the Lord". You are the Vine and I am only a mere branch, prune me and try me Lord...just do not place me apart from You for I already charge that I will fail... How much I am in need of Your grace! Make perfect Your strength in my weakness. If to my shame and humiliation I go, all to bring You Glory, then please Lord my God...

~Grant me the readiness and strength to believe the utterance of my mouth:

"I will go..."

it's at it again. stupid it.

so I'm wondering about the days to come.

thoughts of camaraderie and shallowness.

it's alright though because you keep my mind at bay.

please, just be a stranger to the context of my heart to which I'm writing.

Yet, why do I find myself wanting to be intimately acquainted with a simple touch?

it's impossible. no it's not. yes it is. no it isn't.

how can you say that if you haven't even tried?

'tis a facile mind I war with.

.

Eff

Can you please get off my mind?

This just might sound crazy, but you're really driving me insane the way you looked that night, this night and every other night I was able to see you.

You're so impossible. Just get off my mind already.

To My Future Wife Part 3: What is Love~? Baby don't hurt me~

To My Future Wife,

The first time I ever gently lay those three sweet words, "I love you", into your ears will be down on one knee. I believe love is not adulteress. So, in Love's defense, there's no use in saying, "I love you", to a girlfriend because there's no deal that's sealed, which tells me, possibilities of breaking up and dating other people are still there (sorry if that's too intense for you. I guess I'm just an intense guy when it comes down to this stuff kekehohohehe). I believe that this specific kind of Love is a committed, unadulterated, and passionate one. Yes, this one. I'll tell you I love you as a brother and as a friend, but not as a lover until that day. I don't want to cheapen those words by having said them in every past relationship (I haven't, don't worry).

Here's my confession to you: I have said those words once, but as you can see/read, I'm single, which is why I've come to adopt this notion of Love. Actually, not a notion, why? because I find it to be far more biblical anyway. ...Anyway...

So, to show you my committed 'I Love You's, I'll make sure to seal the deal.

Just say yes ok? Please? Pretty please?

please?

Here's a cover song for you. It's by Dave Barnes and it's called Nothing Fancy.

Words cannot explain the energy, the rush, the music, the elegance.

Let's suit up.

Some say it's old, some say it's new, I say it's truth. Right Regina?

So for one of my classes I had to write a creed. Yes. A Creed. Like the Apostle's Creed, The Creed of Nicaea, The Constantinople Creed, Oriental Creed, Creed of Caesarea, etc. etc. and/or (whatever)

The Athanasian Creed, also known as, The Nicene Creed or The Creed of 150 Fathers of Constantinople.

Anyway, here's my creed, a statement of my Faith.

I call it:

The Josephenisian Creed, also known as, The Josene Creed or The Creed of Joseph Sk....okay here it is.

I believe in one God who is of three Persons, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. All three persons are coeternal, coexistent, and increate and have neither beginning nor end, because God, three in one, is the beginning and the end. God is supremely good, supremely just, supremely righteous, supremely love and is the highest standard of such because God supremely is. God is the omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent Creator and Sustainer of all things in Heaven and on Earth. By the power of God’s Word, He spoke into nothing and existence had it’s being. He formed Man out of the dust of the earth, gave to him His breath of life, and moral law. Through one man sin entered into the world through disobedience of God's Law, which was an act of rebellion to God. Humanity, in its innate sinful state, has need of a Savior. It is not through the workings of a law that humanity can be justified nor saved, but only God can save and Him alone. For God is supremely just and righteous, He must punish sin with the cup of His wrath, the consequences being death. For God is supremely good and love, He sent His one and only begotten Son, not created, Jesus Christ and was made sin for humanity, drank the full cup of the Father’s wrath, shed His blood upon a cross, died at the hands of Pontius Pilate, He was crucified, dead and then buried. By the Power of the Holy Spirit, Jesus rose again from the dead three days later, and paid the penalty of death through the shedding of His blood, and brought redemption and salvation to all of Humanity to those who believe by faith. Faith in Jesus’ blood results in justification, which is our legal standing before God, the Judge of the world, as righteous, not of our own works, but faith in Christ and His righteousness imputed in our lives as a free gift by the riches of God’s grace. God’s grace does not end in justification, but continues on in sanctification, adoption as Children of God, and glorification through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. We, together as believers worldwide, are now the Church and Bride of Jesus Christ, who is the Head of the Church and the Bridegroom. We eagerly await His return to this earth to take up with Him, His elect, chosen people where Christ will reign for all eternity. We, as a Church, will persevere and hope through joys and sufferings until the fullness of God’s glory and purposes have been fully manifested and completed. Amen.

Can you be my Daffodil OR Let's just say an easy day.

One of God's greatest gifts is life's simplest pleasures.

Hot Cocoa + a book + a coffee shop + 1am.

I'm good to go.

To my future wife part 2

To my wife:

Here's a little something about me before I go on: I am stubborn like a mule and many, again I say, many times I act as if my opinions are the primacy of every discussion (or argument). With that said,

to my Wife:

I hope you are a woman of conviction where in any discussion, argument, or debate, you can hold your ground and state your opinions articulately. In all things: whether in discussion, I hope you're just as passionate as I am, even if it is the most arbitrary topic to discuss about, not because of the topic at hand, rather, because the company is what you enjoy most about me (with me); whether argument or debate, teach me humility and be bold to tell me when I'm wrong so that edification can lay manifested.

Oh future wife, I lay here struggling and wrestling with a lot of things and because of thus, I feel as if I walk in this life limping with one leg...so would you be my crutch to help me walk, to appease what loneliness lay in me, and the Lord be our guide to direct us on a path according to His righteousness? I feel as though the pillars in my heart are not stable enough to keep the roof of my emotions steady. May you be the pillar that stands next to me to help keep me stable in times when emotions want to dictate my life decisions in a way that is not according to His righteousness. May I be all these things for you?

I hope you can find pleasure in sitting at a coffee shop with me, reading a book of your own choice without a word being spoken and to you, that'll be just fine. Simply, just fine.

Sometimes I feel as if you're just an imaginary, idealistic woman that is impossible to find (like a unicorn).

I should just stay celibate...

But woman! I burn with way too much passion!! so...

WHERE THE HEAVEN ARE YOU!?

ahem.

My confessions to you:

I cannot guarantee you a life of luxury or a blank check for you to write whatever amount you so desire to spend in whatever circumstance you're in. I cannot guarantee you a house with 5 bedrooms and 10 bathrooms with 3 walk-in closets. I cannot guarantee you the desires you may have as a woman for certain material possessions (handbags and stuff) unless you want a lot of kids...then...maybe I can guarantee that...

However,

What I can guarantee you is that I'll be a man after God's own heart--wrestling to be conformed to His image and meditating on His Word day and night.

I can guarantee you that Faith in His provision for our lives will become the income that will sustain our family finances (fun!).

I can guarantee you that I will do my best to live this fragile, limited-timed life, sold out for His Kingdom to be the Spiritual head of this family, praying and leading us to a dedicated life of fear and love to the Lord.

I can guarantee you that you will be very upset with me at times when I give 'x' amount of money away to some orphanage or missionary that really needs it, but later you'll see that it was for a God-given purpose and then you'll be very happy because your husband obeys the Lord and not man and maybe, just maybe, you'll reward me with a nice kiss (hehe).

I can guarantee you that I'll work hard in everything that I do.

I can guarantee you that you will prove me wrong when I am in the wrong and you'll feel really good about it (:D).

There are many things I can guarantee, but this is taking too long.

I'll just have to share with you everything in that moment when I'm down on one knee, hopefully with a beautiful ring (that I can afford) in my hand telling you that I love you while asking you that destined question that (hopefully) you will not fear and scurry away.

(I love my run-on sentences).

Please share the same vision? Pretty please?

Ok I'm done.

Psalm 23 by Joseph Sky Yoo

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me...

Blessings everyone.

"Wisdom shouts in the street, She lifts her voice in the square" -Proverbs 1:20

"Among all human pursuits, the pursuit of wisdom is more perfect, more noble, more useful. And more full of joy . . .. It is more noble because through this pursuit of man especially approaches to alikeness of God who ‘made all things in wisdom” (Psalm 103.24). And since likeness is the cause of love, the pursuit of wisdom especially joins man to God in friendship . . .And so, in the name of the divine mercy, I have the confidence to embark upon the work of a wise man, eve though this may surpass my powers, and I have set myself the task of making known, as far as my limited powers will allow, the truth that the Catholic faith professes, and of setting aside the errors that are opposed to it. To use the words of Hilary, ‘I am aware that I owe this to God as the chief duty of my life, that my every word and sense may speak of Him.’”

-Thomas Aquinas

The Fruit of Humility: Content vs. Greatness

My name is Joseph Yoo and I serve in the college ministry called Living Stones at a church called Grace Ministries International. I guess you would call me a Praise Leader (though I really don't like that "title") for the ministry. Serving in such a manner for the past 5 years, pride becomes an issue being up on a pulpit with the limelight shining ever so brightly. In my early years, I visioned great visions. Here in this post I want to challenge what that word "great" means. I visioned and dreamed that I would be on stage alongside with Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman and the gang, leading thousands to singing praise songs of love and adoration to the One and only King of Kings--our Lord Jesus. I dream of writing praise songs that speak of correct Doctrine and Theology that will shape the multitudes and sharpen their spiritual walk with the Lord in regards to defending the faith. I have a vision to preach the Gospel to the multitudes seeing a vast wave come towards the spiritual altar receiving the Lord Jesus in faith, leading to Justification, Sanctification, Glorification and the Adoption as Children of God.

What is great? Here I want to give you the dialogue I had between my Loving Lord and myself.

Joseph: "When will You send me Lord? When will You use me for even greater things than these?"

Father, in His still small powerful voice: "Joseph, what is great? If I were to call you to set up chairs for the rest of your life in a small, 20 people large church, letting go of your desire for the praise ministry, and this was My will for you, will that be considered great in your eyes? What is great Joseph?"

(Silence filled the chambers in my heart. I was awestruck. I was humbled.)

I responded in fear and trembling: "My God...whatever it is that You call me to do according to Your will, that alone is great... Whether You call me to let go of the Praise Ministry and to set up chairs for a small, 20 people large church until the day I die, that is great in my eyes because, Oh Lord, Your will alone is great...because...You are great."

"Your will alone is great". How do we measure greatness? By what standard do we judge what is great? Is greatness measured by the number of people being served? Convicted? Led to repentance? Do we consider the work of Billy Graham greater than that of another unknown person who is serving a small church in some third world country, both obeying the will and call of God? Or, is greatness measured simply because our God is great and whatever He does, whatever He wills, is great because He is great? A redundant question, I know.

When we begin to understand that God's standard of judging what is good, just, righteous, love, is according to Himself and His own character because He is the highest, supreme standard of what is Good, Just, Righteous and Love, then we are able to see by what standard God deems as Great--Himself.

This conversation happened about 2 years ago; a conversation that would shape the rest of my life.

I still believe in dreaming and visioning big and great things; however, if I were to deem great dreams and visions based on the multitude, based on anything else rather than the supreme standard of what Great is, who is, my God, I feel that I have lost the meaning of what it means to vision and dream.

"If You Oh Lord will prevent me from serving You in any fashion or form, then my life will be in utter despair. As long as You will allow me to serve You in any way possible, my life will be content, my life will have purpose and meaning. May this be my full heart's desire oh Lord."

In order to dream and vision correctly, humility is required. Why? Because the fruit of humility, is being content with whatever God calls you to do. I have already charged that whatever God calls you to do IS great because He is great. The question remains: will you be content though His will may not seem to please your eye?

In conclusion...

Confessions Pt. 2: "The Flesh Counts For Nothing"

You're right. When we compare ourselves and our good deeds to the Righteousness of the Almighty God, all that amounts is self-righteousness; a "righteousness" that cannot merit the gift of eternal life, nor the taste of saving grace. In light of this comparison, what good is our righteousness? I utter the words of the Prophet Isaiah in 64:6, "For all of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment". What is this filthy garment Isaiah speaks of? In context, a filthy garment is-pardon the crude description-an unclean menstrual rag.

Now.

When we compare ourselves and our 'righteousness' to the Righteousness of the Almighty God, it is quite clear and evident that "all have fallen short of the glory of God" as the Apostle Paul states.

However.

When I compare myself to the fellow man who desires holiness and lives a life striving for such consecration; evidence found in a broken heart and a contrite spirit in a manner and state of repentance, cultivating the tasteful Fruit of the Holy Spirit, watered in tears of penitence, why can I not find myself in such a divine place? The arousal of the flesh taking opportunity in the Law of my God, I feel, overcomes me.

See now my lack of faith! See now the frail love that I have for You my loving Lord! Knowledge has burned in my mind that the flesh counts for nothing, yet my soul finds itself in anguish, at war, at constant battle with the dividing desires of my heart-a desire for holiness yet a desire to satisfy the flesh rather than the Words of my God!

"Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" - Romans 7:24-25

I may lose battle after battle, but victory over the war is guaranteed.

Your promises are so sure.

"Create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me...

Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation, and sustain me with a willing spirit"

Confessions Pt. 1 "The Frailty of the Human Heart"

Inspired by the admirable and humble Saint Augustine and his unrestrained confessions to the Lord God, our mercy, I write here only to confess the frailty of my human heart.

I can pinpoint so clearly when and how certain thoughts-thoughts that will not be disclosed hereto for I do not write of what it is, rather, what it has made me realize- have intruded the comforts of my life. Grief and sorrow have met with my soul and embraced so intimately as if they were of my kinship. I stand no longer acquainted with such encumbrances. On the contrary, such a relationship, so quickly developed, has left an unwanted fragrance that accompanies me wherever I go like the cigarette smoke on clothes and on fingertips. Grasped by this inescapable stench, I find myself led to a place of loneliness, not solitude. Within this loneliness, which should not be pitied over mind you, I will now begin to make my confession.

My God, when such pained emotions flood the territory of my being and in somber loneliness I find no comfort, it is not You I strongly desire for refuge. I confess the frailty of my human heart. Though I may recite psalm after psalm to myself and read your Word hoping that my countenance maybe lifted up, it is not You I desire so vehemently. Though I am convinced that You are my "God of refuge and strength; a very present help in trouble" (Ps 46) and how "I joyfully concur with the Law of God in the inner man..."; "I", however, "see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind, and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members" (Romans 7). What is it then that I desire so quickly? If not You Lord, than what? I confess and lay open my nakedness, my God to you and to others, ...that I desire a physical ear that would hear, a heartening upon one's lips, a touch that comforts body and soul, and eyes that gaze with such deep compassion. Face to face, soul to soul, and heart to heart...

Such is the frailty of my human heart! How it so quickly forgets the Creator to go so far into sinning by insulting Him! "He who planted the ear, does He not hear? He who formed the eye, does He not see?" (Psalm 94:9)! You who fashioned my innermost parts and woven the very strings of my heart with all of it's array of colors (Psalm 139). Forgive me Lord, my God...and "like a surgeon's knife, from Your secret stores, and with one blow [may] You cut away the rottenness" (Augustine, Confessions IX)...

Emotions are so cunningly conniving. To realize that a frail human heart would want to confide in another frail human heart, rather than the Heart Giver, throws my face down into a deep shame.

I am not saying that confiding in a brother or sister is a horrendous sin; however, in my confession, what I am trying to say is: if the desire to confide in the gift is greater than to the gift Giver, such is the result of lack of faith- and/or idol worship-, and in this context, an insult- and/or slap- to the face of the Almighty God (Daniel Yoon). God can use brothers and sisters to lift your countenance, so please, do not misunderstand/misinterpret what I am writing hereto of my human heart.

Oh how I fear the truths of Romans 1:18-32. So I pray Psalm 51 my God that you would "create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me".

My God, You are the one who searches the heart of a man and knows all things. You are the Creator, Designer, Maker, and Father. Give me strength and may I, and those who may empathize, find continual refuge in You.

Let the weak say "I am strong". Amen.

Refuge? A Guitar Chord? Absolutely.

I have been reading a lot of books as of late that are written in Old English; therefore, I prithee, may you not be so mindful of such relic-tasting discourse written hereto of solitude.

As long as I can remember, I've been quite accustomed to this word. Solitude. (Mmm) It begins to strike a minor chord within my soul. Not that this chord is meant to wrought a gloomy, defeatist sentiment as to bring in an ambience of fallen countenance; on the contrary, it brings a pleasantry of harmonies that must be appreciated when carefully examined. Appreciated? In every respect. May I provoke your mind to unfold this musical mystery? -How does one sound affect another sound when put together with another sound and another, et cetera?- The unveiling of such shall bring you your appreciation, or lack thereof- I pray not. The harmonies of this minor chord I have put in allegory. These notes, that make up such a beautiful pleasantry, are the miscellaneous Seasons of Life that have brought me to solitude and I shall, with all dexterity, do my best to convey such an impression upon the mind.

The Musical Note I call Three-Flat (3b):
June 30th, 2006 brought forth sorrow's misery with a covert vengeance. Unexpectedly be faced with a tragedy, the question, 'how will my vessel steer straight-ward in the currents of emotion", was not accounted for. Without going into too much detail, my older brother- my only brother- had passed away and "jumped the Great Boa". It is not mine intent to bring such an atmosphere sorrowful, so please bear with me wherein I may sound a bit cynical in the following excerpt:
-This musical note was one of much cynicism- in it's obvious nature- for this deleterious epoch of mine had it's malevolent effect on me. I was grievously vexed at sympathy being bombarded with phone calls and text messages. Empathy was my adversary in whom I utterly hated with a passion. Especially those who uttered the words, "I understand", notwithstanding no such tragedy ever befalling them, to which my blood would boil at the thought of those who so ignorantly would say they 'understood' what torment hath befallen my family; wherein, I would reply, "F*ck you", without hesitation (my apologies for the crudeness)-who wouldn't? In the frangible theology of my Faith and Love in Christ, and not desiring my ambivalence put to ruin precious friendships of mine, I uncoupled myself a yonder and found myself in a new season/note that hath brought me to solitude for fear of damaging relationships: Three-Flat. This note is of the utmost importance because without this note the Chord would never be a minor.

The other notes that I've been through thus far consists of different seasons such as the many...many Summers of Bachelorhood; Winters of Lonesome-Holidays; Springs of Hopeless-Romance; and the next note of equal utmost importance: the Root note which determines which minor Chord is being played:

The Musical Note I call RootWord:
- I have never in my life read the Word of God and studied His character as much as I have these past few years in seeking Him through these seasons. Knowing full well that Christ has taken off my filthy rags, clothed me in His Robe of Righteousness as He died there upon that Cross wearing what used to be my raiments...How could I not run after a Savior with such love and affection! While this note was being played, I took heed to the Psalmist's sayings: 31 & 71: In Thee, O Lord, I have taken refuge; Let me never be ashamed...for Thou art my rock and my fortress. And many more.

That word Refuge by definition means, "a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger, or trouble".

Indeed I have taken Refuge in my God for within the shadow of His wing I find the warmth of His beating heart in which I am intimately prospering in knowledge of Him whereby such fruitfulness is seen by evidence of my heart being shaped like His. Solitude. Mmm, this minor Chord runs it's pleasantries within my soul. Nostalgic of the many seasons, destructive and merriment, that brought me thither; the Lord my Refuge found in such seasons of solitude; truly, I must say, He is the full conversation of this minor Chord to which I will now name:

The Musical Minor Chord I call REFUGEm7 (Refuge minor 7)

Jars of Clay- Amazing Grace

I grew this heart into a drifter
I never felt the roots I bare
I sold my sight, oh brother, sister
For a mountain of fool's gold, it's gone
Only God knows, God knows where

My soul was restless for redemption
My feet were lookin' for a place to stand
Well, I ain't got no life
And you know I ain't got no money
Just the faith of an empty hand

Amazing grace, I feel you coming up slowly now
Like the sun is risin', heat on my face
Oh love that keeps on shinin', don't let the shadow come
Ya know I gotta feel your healin' rays

I hitched a ride, I was a beggar
I had murder on my hands
I needed water to rinse these stains
But only blood could remove what's spillin'
And pardon me the blame


--How can one receive Christ if they do not see the need for Christ?--

My soul was restless for redemption

"But I replied, Lord I am a great, a very great Sinner: And He answered, My Grace is sufficient for thee. The I said, but Lord, what is Believing? And then I saw from that saying, He that cometh to me shall never hunger, and he that believeth on me shall never thirst that Believing and Coming was all one; and that he that came, that is, ran out in his heart and affections after Salvation by Christ, he indeed believed in Christ. Then water stood in mine eyes..."
"...for there never came thought into my heart before now, that showed me so the beauty of Jesus Christ: It made me love a Holy Life, and long to do something for the honour and glory of the name of the Lord Jesus; Yea, I thought that had I now a thousand gallons of blood in my body, I could spill it all for the sake of the Lord Jesus."


And you know I ain't got no money. Just the faith of an empty hand.

"You Can't Handle The Truth!" or Just Dancin' To The Humpty Hump

These past few months I find my mind wandering around with certain thoughts that keep me restless from sun rise to past zenith- restless where sleep is deprived of me. Not so much as an aimless wander as if trapped in an ever changing labyrinth, nay, but a wandering of such with an aim guided by series of what seems like interrogations at a simple thought. Perhaps I shall change the word 'wander' in exchange for 'wrestle'-just for this moment- yes, wrestle: Surely my mind has been wrestling causing me to be restless (wrest- and rest-, eh eh? ...nvm). Ahem. But for what? Before I dive into many nachos too deep to comprehend, I shall give a premise to put your mind at ease from this mental jargon.

Here it is: Predestination vs. Free-will, or, Predestination vs. Divine Election (that should be MORE than enough for a premise); Logic vs. Absolutism; Logical vs. Plausible; The Doctrine of Repentance, of Regeneration; and I shall stop there before you think my mind has fallen into a frenzy, in which, I would not disagree with you if you would think so.

For what? Because I want to know. For I have been taught and so I have believed; however, some kind of impulse within me begs the questions, "Why do I believe? What reasons can I give for the things in which I believe?" This impulse so familiar, so innate that I am not just acquainted, rather, I am intimate with it as the murdered is with it's murder weapon. Impulse. I shall name it something. She will be called Desire in all respect.

Desire is she who guides my mind in it's wandering on her Riverboat of Questions finding rest, or lack thereof, at the Dock of Answers. I could only hope that I am on a stream of the river that will lead me to moist earth- preferably- to find tranquility and peace of mind; however, if it be that the stream may lead me to a vast ocean, I may conclude that Desire hath still brought me to a place of tranquility and peace of mind. How so? On the former side, Desire has been appeased with an answer and so follows my mind. On the latter side, I understand that some mysteries remain unrevealed and are only revealed in the age to come- Heaven- and this brings me comfort. What have I to lose? I find the only difficulty in all of this is, "How long is the river that Desire rows me through and does she tire not?" For I get weary.

Enough with the allegory.

There are people who are so desirous to know an answer and with all their tenaciousness will hop on board a riverboat as on a journey; notwithstanding that the end of the river is unknown, they simply row on. Many people know me and how opinionated I can be. Call me an arrogant bastard if you want; regardless, I'll do my best to articulate with gentleness and listen with humility. The reason for that is simply because I want to know. Maybe not to the extreme of these 'desirous people', but enough to simply get my mind around a series of Q & A's. Simply. That word seems so alien to me at this present moment. The very reason why (if you've read down this far) I went off on this mental jargon is simply this:

I feel that the thought process of my mind has become so complex, that I have lost the beauty in simplicity. Complex as in because of this desire to know what, or Whom, it is that I study, I find myself in frustration and restlessness; nevertheless, I am comforted and blessed at the discoveries of this knowledge-for knowledge is precious if applied and not idle- and this makes me want to know more (of Him and His Word). And the cycle goes on. However, as of this moment, being so wearied from the premise, I wonder at the blissfulness of ignorance: simply, not knowing and what calm it would bring to which I perceive that this 'wonder' flows against the knowledge of the Lord that I continue to receive- for He is infinite and so good as to reveal Himself to me in grace- which has burned within me this desire to progress and grow in love for the Lord God TO WHICH NOW I will say to blissful ignorance:

To hell with you.

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If you've never read Haruki Murakami's unbelievable creative works, YOU ARE MISSING OUT! One of my favorite books that he's written is called Norwegian Wood. It's being made into a film right now :) :) :). If you'd like a copy to read it, I can let you borrow mine. He writes so...so...ugh...I can't even think of a word that adequately fits him.

He's descriptive. Emotional. Colorful. Amazing.

Good night.

Cry Me A River or Inception F'ed With My Mind

I had a dream last night. I was lying in bed and this particular woman, whom I recognize, parallel from me, lay there as if benumbed to the chestnut colored blanket we shared. She scurried to me ever so slowly with complete stealth, as to go unnoticed, as if to runaway from the night's cold hoping to find shelter in the warmth of my body; however, in my dream, I did not recollect the night air diminished to the point of shivers, nor elevated to the point of perspiration- it was, for lack of a better word, perfect (I shall leave the interpretation up to you).

Perfect. What can truly be perfect? I hate that word sometimes. Especially in this context because that moment and everything in it was perfect. We shared thoughts and knew where we wanted to be- right next to each other . She wrapped her left arm over my body as I tucked my left arm under her head and then the sweetest moment happened.. She placed her right hand on my chest, turned her face with eyes closed, and rested her ears upon my heart. She smirked. She began to listen. She tried to match the beating heart with hers as if that were possible. It was indeed romantic.

It was perfect. Oh how I hate that word with a passion right now. Why? Because in that moment, 3/4 of my mind lay ignorantly in blissful subconscious thought while the other quarter wages a war cry: "DON'T WAKE UP TO REALITY. PLEASE DON'T WAKE UP."

The tragedy in all of this is knowing that within your dream you begin to know you are dreaming. That's when the inevitable happens- you wake up.

To myself: Get a hold of yourself and drink a coffee or, as Justin Timberlake once said, go "cry me a river 'cause she's gone *hit falsettos here*"

To that woman: are you listening?

Probably not.