...I will go... ...Will I go... ...I will.... Eff. I don't know.

My heart is pressed hard... Ezekiel 24 speaks of how God is going to punish Jerusalem for her abominations and all of her sins. 24:14 speaks of God's heart involved in His judgment upon her: "...and I shall not pity, and I shall not be sorry..." Verses 15-27, the end of the chapter, the Lord God tells Ezekiel that He is going to "take from you [Ezekiel] the desire of your eyes with a blow", which we find in verse 18, is his wife. Now in verse 16 and 17, God tells him not to mourn for the dead and the sorts. Why!? Verse 24, "Thus, Ezekiel will be a sign to you." Venturing on further, I ask, "what is this sign?" I find that Ezekiel was to be a sign of how God will not be sorry or have pity upon Jerusalem when He judges as stated in verse 14. A SIGN!!!! ...

God is the Potter and He has every right to do as He pleases. Why is my heart so hard pressed within me? Because Ezekiel obeyed the next morning... Perhaps this is very difficult for me to understand why God does what He does in these peculiar ways. To tell His faithful servant to not mourn over the loss of his WIFE, so that, he would be a sign to Jerusalem of how God will not be sorry is like a bitter pill that needs to be swallowed...

It isn't a matter of whether or not what God commanded is good or bad, but rather the thought, or truth, if I may add, of what the role/office of a Prophet is. Isaiah was naked for 3 years to be a sign to the shame of Egypt and Cush. Jeremiah was rejected and greatly despised by his own people; and here, having read thus far, Ezekiel, also having done crazy things, is to be a sign also. The most mind-boggling of all was their immediate OBEDIENCE!

To the self-proclaiming prophets in our generation: Do you even know what a prophet is? Let alone who or what a prophet does?

I've actually met a prophet, a sincere, genuine and humble Man of God who indeed prophesied over me that God "calls me a prophet". He repeated this to me countless of times. As I live my life, I'm beginning to see how that is being manifested through my actions and even desires; however, the more I realize who and what a prophet is, it begins to terrorize my soul...

My self interrogation: Am I ready for it? Does our generation have men and women who are willing to take up the call? Can I deny such pleasures of the flesh completely? Will I obey the voice of the Lord though I may be rejected and despised among, not only strangers, but my fellow peers? Can/will I obey the will of God though it is to my great humiliation and shame? Am I taking lightly this calling that the Lord has called me to? Am I ready...? Am I able to be the faithful Man of God, pastor/prophet, the Lord wants me to be? For if I do take up such a high calling, and in so doing, inadequately teach the Word and the Will of God, I stir up a rebellion in my ignorance and, therefore, will be judged even severer. ...Will I even be able to not only recount Lamentations 3, but, in confession, believe the very words that are written...?

Indeed...my heart is heavy...

Through this interrogation, I realize just a little bit more that a "man can do NOTHING apart from the Lord". You are the Vine and I am only a mere branch, prune me and try me Lord...just do not place me apart from You for I already charge that I will fail... How much I am in need of Your grace! Make perfect Your strength in my weakness. If to my shame and humiliation I go, all to bring You Glory, then please Lord my God...

~Grant me the readiness and strength to believe the utterance of my mouth:

"I will go..."