Inspired by the admirable and humble Saint Augustine and his unrestrained confessions to the Lord God, our mercy, I write here only to confess the frailty of my human heart.
I can pinpoint so clearly when and how certain thoughts-thoughts that will not be disclosed hereto for I do not write of what it is, rather, what it has made me realize- have intruded the comforts of my life. Grief and sorrow have met with my soul and embraced so intimately as if they were of my kinship. I stand no longer acquainted with such encumbrances. On the contrary, such a relationship, so quickly developed, has left an unwanted fragrance that accompanies me wherever I go like the cigarette smoke on clothes and on fingertips. Grasped by this inescapable stench, I find myself led to a place of loneliness, not solitude. Within this loneliness, which should not be pitied over mind you, I will now begin to make my confession.
My God, when such pained emotions flood the territory of my being and in somber loneliness I find no comfort, it is not You I strongly desire for refuge. I confess the frailty of my human heart. Though I may recite psalm after psalm to myself and read your Word hoping that my countenance maybe lifted up, it is not You I desire so vehemently. Though I am convinced that You are my "God of refuge and strength; a very present help in trouble" (Ps 46) and how "I joyfully concur with the Law of God in the inner man..."; "I", however, "see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind, and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members" (Romans 7). What is it then that I desire so quickly? If not You Lord, than what? I confess and lay open my nakedness, my God to you and to others, ...that I desire a physical ear that would hear, a heartening upon one's lips, a touch that comforts body and soul, and eyes that gaze with such deep compassion. Face to face, soul to soul, and heart to heart...
Such is the frailty of my human heart! How it so quickly forgets the Creator to go so far into sinning by insulting Him! "He who planted the ear, does He not hear? He who formed the eye, does He not see?" (Psalm 94:9)! You who fashioned my innermost parts and woven the very strings of my heart with all of it's array of colors (Psalm 139). Forgive me Lord, my God...and "like a surgeon's knife, from Your secret stores, and with one blow [may] You cut away the rottenness" (Augustine, Confessions IX)...
Emotions are so cunningly conniving. To realize that a frail human heart would want to confide in another frail human heart, rather than the Heart Giver, throws my face down into a deep shame.
I am not saying that confiding in a brother or sister is a horrendous sin; however, in my confession, what I am trying to say is: if the desire to confide in the gift is greater than to the gift Giver, such is the result of lack of faith- and/or idol worship-, and in this context, an insult- and/or slap- to the face of the Almighty God (Daniel Yoon). God can use brothers and sisters to lift your countenance, so please, do not misunderstand/misinterpret what I am writing hereto of my human heart.
Oh how I fear the truths of Romans 1:18-32. So I pray Psalm 51 my God that you would "create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me".
My God, You are the one who searches the heart of a man and knows all things. You are the Creator, Designer, Maker, and Father. Give me strength and may I, and those who may empathize, find continual refuge in You.
Let the weak say "I am strong". Amen.
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