Take Two

The excitement that life brings stems from the emotions of the heart
It's fickle behavior wars with rational and logical thinking.
The mind. The heart.
Inevitably, the Soul.
They all tie together to create me.
Someone no one on this earth can be.
Only me.

The surgeon's knife cuts deep only to sow it up again
Healing comes with time
And with time new chapters begin to form
Closing one, onto a new. Forward.
We must always move forward.

I am a canvass that was once blank
Now. Colors come in all shapes and sizes.
The smell of blue is wonderful
The sounds that red makes is exquisite.
I wonder what it would if you couple them all together

Oh the taste in my palate.
Sweet. Rich. Bitter.

I am a POIEMA.
Onward.

I've lost something dear to me.  It was so close to my heart I didn't even notice it was gone.



I need to find my "music".  Where are you...

Now that I've noticed her disappearance, it feels like she left a chasm in my heart.



....how did it go unnoticed for so long...

To My Future Wife Part 4

 To My Future Wife,

It's been awhile.
So I've been thinking (aren't you glad that I think?), not about who/where you are and what your name is in this reality we share, but, rather, who's you are.  Sounds strange doesn't it?  Strange because when I think about the context of this letter to you-To My Future Wife Part 4- its as though the answer to that question should be clear, cliche, and simple: you're mine and I am yours.
                               However, there's something unsettling inside me...

I've been praying for you.

In the past few days, I've been really praying for you.  Its been a total fascination: the more you grow in knowledge with understanding of who God is, your words begin to take on a new form.  I've seen how my prayers before Dad have been transfigured before my eyes without me ever realizing.  I've heard the echoes of supplication in my heart for you beginning a new rhythm, an unfamiliar rhythm.

      ...And oh how I've felt my lips tremble when I make mention of you..when I lift petitions regarding you...

that Dad would bless:

Your relationship with your family- that you would find spending time with your mother and father more precious and valuable than memories made with friends.
  That you would glean from your mother's wisdom and not disregard them
   That you would see your father's love to a daughter as an incomparable joy
     only you can know
   That you would find the resolve to make honoring your parents a lifelong mission
    That you would develop respect and trust with your sibling(s): biological and spiritual
Your mind, intellect, and education- that you would not only be sharpened, but be the sharpener to those who need it- to edify, teach and make aware.
Your decision-making- that whatever path you choose, the Holy Spirit will guide and lead you, giving you the peace that Jesus promised He would give.

...Your heart...
                          And lo, here is what brings my lips to tremble...

...I pray that Dad would bless Your heart- that Jesus Himself would guard your heart in all of His jealousy over you; in that, whosoever should woo your heart it would be because He has allowed it....


And so I've been thinking...

I've been remembering Who's you are and I cannot help myself but to be perturbed at the thought of it.

You must remember dear Future Wife, that one of the scariest things any (aspiring) man of God can do is: to court a daughter of a Holy God who's indignation is Righteous; who's judgment is Just; and who's Love for you is more jealous than the grave...

Perhaps this is what it means to pray in the fear of the Lord...

Oh Fairest of Women!

...Before you are my Wife,
                                you are and will always be first...
                                                          the most beautiful daughter of the Most High God...

His praise is everywhere

Thank You Lord for such a beautiful wave~
It reminds me of the love You gave to me~
I want to reflect Your love to the surfers that I meet todayyyy~
Every wave is a gift from You~
Tra la la la dee dahmm~~~

She's Cute. Even with short hair.

One of God's greatest gifts: the elation of joy that runs with laughter.

Rule #1

When you really think about it, there's no point in "getting used to it".  You just live it.

When she comes, she'll just pass you by; unless, you seize the moment and create your own opportunity.

Summon the Big Balls.



Balls to the Wall.

I don't care. My dog is cuter than yours.

One of God's greatest gifts - life's simplest pleasure.

You Put A Spell On Me

I'm finding myself missing you for no apparent reason.  It's like a part of me has lost itself in you, which isn't really true, but, still, the feeling still lingers on like the smell of a bonfire in your laundry basket after a night at the beach.
















Maybe we should sit down and converse a bit just to see how life has been strolling by.  I'll make you a steaming latte pulling ristretto espresso shots so you don't taste much of the bitterness in coffee. Unless, you like the bitterness in coffee like I do.  I'll even pour the contents into a nice, but not overly luxuriant, ceramic mug that says, "I love white people" on it just to make it a conversation starter.

Or not.

Maybe.  Ahh forget it.

I'd rather surf.

She Is A Thing Of Beauty

She has her own rules you need to play by because they aren't man-made.  There's no room for rebellion.

No Shadow Of Turning

There is nothing like the sweet smell of ocean salt when you breathe hot air against your skin. The smell itself is not like a heavenly bliss where one would want to bathe in; however, the reminiscence of what brought in such a fragrance is.  Bliss.  

It has been a little over a year since I began my endeavor into the cool, rad, better-than-hipster, an-activity-that-gets-the-elderly-ladies, world of surfing. 

I evolved.  

I've seen the results of my metamorphosis this past week.  From surfing a 9 foot longboard to a 6 foot short-board, how could I not?  I am able to walk closer and closer to the tip of a longboard going up and down a glassy wave.  So glassy you can see your reflection on it. 

And in that moment of reflection, you begin to realize a little bit more what kind of power the ocean can have on your eyes.  

Even staring at a looming mound of water so beautifully shaped is something words cannot express.  On one end there's excitement.  And on the other, depending on how big it is, terror.  It isn't so much a terror that makes you want to runaway, rather, it adds to the rush factor, the excitement, the stoke, and the gravity of what lies down that wave:  Joy.

-----

It has been a little over a month, one and a half to be exact, since I began my step of faith into broadening my horizon of what ministry is.

I'm changing.

I've seen how relationships are affected by the community (can I say 'church'?) that you're in, or not in, during this short amount of time.  From serving a church for 8+ years to not being plugged into a community with accountability, how could I not?  I feel like I'm being tossed by the waves of temptation and the only thing keeping me afloat is the surfboard of conscience (yeah, I had to toss that in there).  

And in that moment of temptation waging war with your conscience, you begin to realize what a wretched soul you really are.

Even musing on the decision that I've made to say my adieus, I know...I know everything has changed.  On one end there's rest.  And on the other,  depending on how I fair upon this pilgrim's progress, fear.  It isn't so much a fear that makes me want to avert my resolve, rather, it adds to the understanding of my dependence on God's mercies, the strength that comes when you wait upon the Lord, the discipline it takes to shine His light, and the reward that awaits at the end of this narrow path: Joy.

There is a warm chorus being sung in my heart in spite of trials, faithlessness, or even change.

So, will you join me?

Great is Thy Faithfulness, O God my Father

 There is no shadow of turning with Thee

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not

 As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

 Great is Thy Faithfulness

Morning by morning new mercies I see

 All I have needed Thy hand hath provided-

Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord, unto me...

Step One: Food For Thought and Boy Was I Hungry.

Perhaps, it's starting to hit me.  Maybe this leave was a good thing.  No...I know it was.

A ministry should never define who you are.

You were not a small group leader because you were one in a ministry.  Nor were you a college core leader because you were one in a ministry.  And, to the most tender part of my heart, you were not a praise leader because a ministry had defined you as one.

No.

You are who you are because of who and what the Holy Spirit has done in your life and will continue to do.

The challenge that be faces me now is: will I live up to the same standards, if not higher, as a praise leader off the stage as opposed to being on it?

It's easy to live a life shining bright for Christ when the limelight is on you.  ~Shining ~Shimmering. ~Splen~~did.  Oops...wrong context. Amen. I mean...Ahem.

Enough with my failed attempt for a comic relief.  On to the point I'm trying to make:

It's easy to live a life shining bright for Christ when the limelight is on you, when accountability and community is at your door step; and when you're on the email list of a leadership thread replying to the next big event or retreat or prayer meeting or missions meeting or any other church meeting you can think about.  And, to this I can confidently say: when the limelight is on, it is easier said and it isn't as bad carrying it out.

Jesus once said, "You are the light of the world.  A city on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.  Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house."

If my light isn't shining in this dark world, it's because I put a bowl over it.
If I put a bowl over my light its because I'm to ashamed to give light to the One who lives in my house, my body...His temple...in order to expose Him to everyone who sees.

To expose Jesus to the world and the world be exposed by Jesus.

The wisest and most foolish thing about this whole undertaking--and no this is not a contradiction-- is that in God's wisdom He designed for His Glory, Honor, Praise, His very SON to be exposed by the most foolish of people. UndeservingPowerlessBlemishedWeak. Human beings.

Crazy isn't it?  For a person like you and me to bring Glory, Honor, and Praise to the One and True Living, Omnibenevolent God?  For a person like you and me undertaking a daunting, yet most undeserving, privilege of showing the world to Jesus and Jesus to the world?


If you happen to fall, Romans 8:1 yourself for crying out loud.  Pick yourself up and keep going.


A ministry should never define who you are.  


However,

how you walk in step with the Holy Spirit on a daily basis...will.

During a ten minute break at work, an endless waltz.

I saw the moon today.  It's not like it was the first time I saw it in my life. Obviously.  It wasn't as though a new revelation dawned upon my frangible mind as to feed its curiosity like a mother bird landing on its nest to feed her young.  On the contrary, it was a plain moon in plain daylight almost at 3 quarters full.  Plainly.  Nothing new. Nothing special.  Nothing surprising about it at all.  The delight we shared came from the musings that followed suit when I gazed at it.

The moon has seen all of human history since it was spoken into existence.  Even mine.  It has been hanging upon an invisible thread endlessly waltzing around in perfect tempo either in daylight, within the azure sky, or in the night, the hours in which we should thank its illumination.

And so I mused.  I surmised that the moon was lonely from tirelessly pursuing the sun in the horizons, but never reaching the closeness it desires.  Even the time allotted to them, on those rare occasions, is never enough to warm its cold mass floating in the sky.  Perhaps, it desires more from the sun.  Perhaps, the sun clothing the moon from afar with raiments bedecked with light did not satisfy this endless waltz they shared.  Whether the moon was content, I could not answer.  It reminded me of the ancient kings and queens and how they did not share bed chambers in the very kingdom they owned.  The queen would have to wait for the king's visitation to her chambers upon his own volition.  Whether the queen grinned or grimaced from the king's visit, or lack thereof, it did not matter.

And so I mused.  I surmised again that the moon must be jealous of the sun.  Humanity wakes when the sun rises in the horizon; its popular.  People make time to enjoy the sun on more occasions than not.  And when the moon rises in its glorious dress full of radiance when the sun sleeps, most of humanity stays locked inside their homes and only a few come out to appreciate it. Perhaps, even in daylight when the moon is up, the sun does not even notice it.  Perhaps, the sun's own radiance hides the moon as if ashamed of its blemish like leafless tress hiding their colors from the dread of winter until spring.

Fascinating isn't it?  How the moon's brilliance in the night provokes love and intimacy on this earth and, to its unwarranted extreme, cultic practices and bizarre rituals.  It has witnessed love and romance; heartbreak to heartache, life unto even death.  Empathy overtakes me.  Whether the moon, witnessing intimacies and tragedies, has found hope, or lack thereof, to waltz on, I could not answer.

And so I mused.  I surmised that the moon desired a companion.  A second moon just beneath it.


And then I wondered what it would be like to live a life under two moons.



And then it hit me.  A question.

What if its the sun pursuing the moon?

And so I stopped musing because I realized what an endless waltz this was.

I realized why I stopped...

Stupid June.

I had a dream.  It was a peculiar one that had the fragrance of nostalgia scented all around it.  They were episodes of familiar emotions that produced such a familiar nostalgia as I woke.  Perhaps it's the month that triggered such a series of events in my mind like a rookie novelist finding words to write inspired by the change in seasons: the mysterious, unbeknownst time when winter turns to spring and spring to summer.
 I find it fascinating how scents can be a tool to trigger memories in recent and far pasts of the mind of a 24 (soon to be 25...) year old.  It's as if it were a universal language that any human being is well acquainted with, yet, it holds a unique power that only the individual can translate.

14 more days and it'll be 6 years and counting.

"Like an old mother staring at an age old epitaph, I still wonder what it would be like if you were still     around.  I let my heart sink in to view the stench of Earth's death with eyes like eagles, wings caught in Summer's breeze and fixed on the panorama--its endless--as my heart pleads the please."

I don't know about the rest of the world, the society I live in, even the sphere of influence that I have around me, but I feel as if the passing of a loved one inevitably triggers your mind to think about all of the relationships you have, or, acquired.  Perhaps it is this month that brought about an unwarranted nostalgia.

She can be so rude.  Barging in uninvited.  In one context, she can become the life of the party sparking old romances with old crushes.  In another, well, she becomes the undesirable reminder that you're just a hopeless romantic that cannot seem to find love.  Sappy. I know.

Strange.  As I recall the moment she barged in as I awoke, she stayed only a brief moment like a crow landing on your porch with a single caw and flying away as if it saw what it needed to see.

She's a powerful one this nostalgia.  She has the power to freeze time, or, rather, retard its tempo to such a degree and allow the mind to recall almost a quarter century of vivid memories--details only you can remember--in a span of a minute, maybe three.  Not only the vividness, but the joys.

The emotional and annoying part of this all?

The nostalgic joys of pleasantries and company (namely you, yes you (and yes this is a slight tangent)) did not match up to the claims on my reality.  It reminded me of how beautiful I thought of you when I first heard you laugh and the irreplaceable moments when words were not exchanged, yet, your presence was all I needed to breathe in.  Because in those moments, I thought this hopeless romantic heart of mine actually had a beat and rhythm and finally found the one who shared the same.

Enough of my crap.  I end with this:


"Elmer Yoo, behave up there, don't be flirting with them pretty angels".


Sincerely your little brother who has way too many useless problems to deal with and deserves an ass beating from you,

Joseph Sky Yoo


P.S.  I'm way older than you now, so I guess that means you're MY little brother.  Sucker.
P.S.S.  I can almost see you beating my ass for saying that just now.
P.S.S.S. I'd give anything in the world for you to beat my ass for a good minute just to see you one more time...even if it is on the floor with a busted nose and a raccoon eyed face.  I'd be smiling the whole way down..

Exit Signs.

The dawn is inevitable and so is the night.

There are colors left untasted, 

scents that have not been heard, 

and thoughts that have not been kissed.

Is it not a matter of perspective or must I labor to what end?

Vexed on this endeavor, I find little resolve.
'Tis a losing brawl this one-sided street has become.

Lead not the wanderer astray from things hoped for.

Home. Companions. Roots. Love..

And so the doors begin to close as the unceasing eyes still hungers.

Has the colors left my palates curious?
Will I never be moved by the smells that strike many a chord?

Or, perhaps, the musings of a little boy cannot handle


an acquaintance with romance.

Still.  

The page turns..

Take One

A repeating chorus of tears have been written somewhere on my body.

There is bliss in ignorance on one end.

And on the other, an unexplainable satisfaction in truth.

Satisfaction. Closure. Brokenness?

Surely, in order to build there must be some rubble here.

Yet my mind is troubled at the musing of wandering emotions.

It is costly.

The process of disappointment is only yonder. Forward.

Perhaps, the surgeon's knife is closer than I imagined.

Dare my heart venture into a territory unknown.

Come what may.

...I will go... ...Will I go... ...I will.... Eff. I don't know.

My heart is pressed hard... Ezekiel 24 speaks of how God is going to punish Jerusalem for her abominations and all of her sins. 24:14 speaks of God's heart involved in His judgment upon her: "...and I shall not pity, and I shall not be sorry..." Verses 15-27, the end of the chapter, the Lord God tells Ezekiel that He is going to "take from you [Ezekiel] the desire of your eyes with a blow", which we find in verse 18, is his wife. Now in verse 16 and 17, God tells him not to mourn for the dead and the sorts. Why!? Verse 24, "Thus, Ezekiel will be a sign to you." Venturing on further, I ask, "what is this sign?" I find that Ezekiel was to be a sign of how God will not be sorry or have pity upon Jerusalem when He judges as stated in verse 14. A SIGN!!!! ...

God is the Potter and He has every right to do as He pleases. Why is my heart so hard pressed within me? Because Ezekiel obeyed the next morning... Perhaps this is very difficult for me to understand why God does what He does in these peculiar ways. To tell His faithful servant to not mourn over the loss of his WIFE, so that, he would be a sign to Jerusalem of how God will not be sorry is like a bitter pill that needs to be swallowed...

It isn't a matter of whether or not what God commanded is good or bad, but rather the thought, or truth, if I may add, of what the role/office of a Prophet is. Isaiah was naked for 3 years to be a sign to the shame of Egypt and Cush. Jeremiah was rejected and greatly despised by his own people; and here, having read thus far, Ezekiel, also having done crazy things, is to be a sign also. The most mind-boggling of all was their immediate OBEDIENCE!

To the self-proclaiming prophets in our generation: Do you even know what a prophet is? Let alone who or what a prophet does?

I've actually met a prophet, a sincere, genuine and humble Man of God who indeed prophesied over me that God "calls me a prophet". He repeated this to me countless of times. As I live my life, I'm beginning to see how that is being manifested through my actions and even desires; however, the more I realize who and what a prophet is, it begins to terrorize my soul...

My self interrogation: Am I ready for it? Does our generation have men and women who are willing to take up the call? Can I deny such pleasures of the flesh completely? Will I obey the voice of the Lord though I may be rejected and despised among, not only strangers, but my fellow peers? Can/will I obey the will of God though it is to my great humiliation and shame? Am I taking lightly this calling that the Lord has called me to? Am I ready...? Am I able to be the faithful Man of God, pastor/prophet, the Lord wants me to be? For if I do take up such a high calling, and in so doing, inadequately teach the Word and the Will of God, I stir up a rebellion in my ignorance and, therefore, will be judged even severer. ...Will I even be able to not only recount Lamentations 3, but, in confession, believe the very words that are written...?

Indeed...my heart is heavy...

Through this interrogation, I realize just a little bit more that a "man can do NOTHING apart from the Lord". You are the Vine and I am only a mere branch, prune me and try me Lord...just do not place me apart from You for I already charge that I will fail... How much I am in need of Your grace! Make perfect Your strength in my weakness. If to my shame and humiliation I go, all to bring You Glory, then please Lord my God...

~Grant me the readiness and strength to believe the utterance of my mouth:

"I will go..."

it's at it again. stupid it.

so I'm wondering about the days to come.

thoughts of camaraderie and shallowness.

it's alright though because you keep my mind at bay.

please, just be a stranger to the context of my heart to which I'm writing.

Yet, why do I find myself wanting to be intimately acquainted with a simple touch?

it's impossible. no it's not. yes it is. no it isn't.

how can you say that if you haven't even tried?

'tis a facile mind I war with.

.

Eff

Can you please get off my mind?

This just might sound crazy, but you're really driving me insane the way you looked that night, this night and every other night I was able to see you.

You're so impossible. Just get off my mind already.

To My Future Wife Part 3: What is Love~? Baby don't hurt me~

To My Future Wife,

The first time I ever gently lay those three sweet words, "I love you", into your ears will be down on one knee. I believe love is not adulteress. So, in Love's defense, there's no use in saying, "I love you", to a girlfriend because there's no deal that's sealed, which tells me, possibilities of breaking up and dating other people are still there (sorry if that's too intense for you. I guess I'm just an intense guy when it comes down to this stuff kekehohohehe). I believe that this specific kind of Love is a committed, unadulterated, and passionate one. Yes, this one. I'll tell you I love you as a brother and as a friend, but not as a lover until that day. I don't want to cheapen those words by having said them in every past relationship (I haven't, don't worry).

Here's my confession to you: I have said those words once, but as you can see/read, I'm single, which is why I've come to adopt this notion of Love. Actually, not a notion, why? because I find it to be far more biblical anyway. ...Anyway...

So, to show you my committed 'I Love You's, I'll make sure to seal the deal.

Just say yes ok? Please? Pretty please?

please?

Here's a cover song for you. It's by Dave Barnes and it's called Nothing Fancy.